Diocesan workshop explores mourning
By Christina Leslie
Correspondent
Though the tenet of eternal life after earthly death is integral to our faith, many Catholics suffer lingering pain and depression after the death of a loved one and turn to their Church for further counseling.
To help parishes provide such assistance, the diocesan Office of Family Life sponsored a Bereavement Training Workshop Nov. 12 in the St. John Neumann Pastoral Center, Piscataway. The 34 attendees representing 13 parishes spent the day learning how to lend an ear and offer appropriate Church-based assistance to those suffering the after-effects of a loved one’s death.
The workshop facilitator was Jessie Flynn, a grief counselor in St. Francis of Assisi Cathedral Parish, Metuchen, for over 25 years.
The wife of a local funeral director, Flynn has a grief facilitator certification from the Archdiocese of New York, and is a board member of the National Catholic Ministry to the Bereaved. She is also the author of a 10-book series for children entitled Kids Cope with Grief.
The bubbly, personable, self-describer “hugger” used humor, compassion and empathy to impart information, seamlessly switching between addressing the attendees as if they were counselors, then bereaved group members.
Flynn recognized that each parish’s program would have style subtleties depending upon the group’s personalities; “We are strangers, but we speak the same language,” she asserted. “The message of death is life; that’s why we are all hope-givers. I am just giving you the recipe for the cake.”
Flynn outlined a template of nine weekly sessions for a successful program. The topics include: telling the story of the loved one and the death; discussions about normal reactions to grief; an analysis of emotions and dealing with feelings; finishing unfinished business with the deceased; coping with stress; remembering and celebrating the life; letting go and changing the relationship with the loved one; and recreating the survivor’s life by creating a memorial.
Continuity is important between sessions, Flynn stressed. She advocated starting each week with the distribution of name tags and quiet meditation to the sounds of tranquil music such as Pachelbel’s Canon in D to create an atmosphere of tranquility and trust. Flynn also recommended splitting the initial group of bereaved depending upon their relationships to the deceased — widows and widowers do best in groups apart from those who have lost a child or a friend. Utilizing a co-facilitator who has suffered that particular type of loss adds credibility.
The facilitator used a mix of anecdotal stories, guided meditation,
professional studies and even audience participation in exercise to explain the nine-part syllabus. The room alternately resounded with tears and laughter as she made her multi-media presentation of VCR tapes, used an easel of paper to record brainstorming ideas and display whimsical hand-drawn posters.
One poster depicted a zebra looking at its hind quarters in consternation as the stripes unwound from his body. Flynn pointed to it and told the group, “When loss occurs, we become unraveled.”
She also gave the group some warning signs that indicate the bereaved is in need of more personalized, intensive help. But intense crying is normal, she told the attendees. “I read a study that said people average about 250 hours of crying after the death of a loved one,” Flynn cited. “But, reassure them they will stop.”
“I usually give two gifts to my group members: a [picture] frame, and a six-pack of toilet paper for crying!” she said.
Flynn concluded the program by reminding the group to recall their loved ones rather than suppress painful memories. “Remember equals re-member: Bring the person back into your circle after they die,” she advocated. “Though the physical relationship ends, the spiritual relationship is always with you. The deceased is only a thought away.”
Virginia Martin was one of six women attendees from Our Lady of Lourdes Parish, Whitehouse Station. The parish is interested in reviving its bereavement program. “I have experienced so many who have suffered from grief, and I would like to help them,” she said.
Her fellow parishioner, Margaret Duprey, agreed. “Today is a team-building experience; it’ll be good to get a group off the ground.”
Kathy Schaffer of St. Steven Protomartyr Parish, South River, noticed the change in her husband’s personality after he lost both parents in 92 days. “I’m new to this,” she said tearfully, “and I have to learn how to help him and others.”
Catherine Martini echoed the other attendees’ sentiments. The East Brunswick resident has been a grief counselor in St. Bartholomew Parish there for the ten years following the death of her husband. “I want to help because I have been helped,” she said simply. “I see it works.”
*The attached/referenced article was originally published in The Catholic Spirit, the official newspaper of the Diocese of Metuchen, and is protected under U.S. and international copyright law